Author Topic: Grammar Corrections  (Read 1647 times)

Jynnx

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SUGGESTED FIX #2 - FRADZ SKILLS
« on: March 18, 2012, 12:03:59 pm »
Note: I am note sure, but Fradz's might be Fradz' instead, since the Z sounds like S it may have same apostrophe rules, but I am really not sure, so I'm using Fradz's.

SWORD DANCE - note: nice word choice with neurotransmitters =D note 2: how much attack speed bonus does he get anyway? This could be uber, or could be trash, depending on how big the bonus is!!! note 3: verb tenses need to match - yes English sucks.
[current] Speeds up Fradz's neurotransmitters, increasing his attack speed and making his blades flashes of metal for 5 seconds. As a side effect, his muscles get tired and decreases his movement speed by 50% and increasing damage received by 33%.
[suggested correction]Speeds up Fradz's neurotransmitters, increasing his attack speed and making his blades flashes of metal for 5 seconds. As a side effect, his muscles get tired, decreasing his movement speed by 50%, and increasing damage received by 33%.
SUGGESTION: Speeds up Fradz's neurotransmitters, increasing his attack speed and turning his blades into flashes of metal for 5 seconds. [...]

THUNDER - (if you change verb tense so there is no -ing in the first half of sentence (before the ,) the rest of the long sentence can still fit into one sentence - hard to describe why...)
[current] Summons a thunderbolt electrifying his foe, damaging and making the victim shaky which reduces it's attack and movement speed by 25% for 10 seconds. [...]
[suggested correction] Summons a thunderbolt to electrify his foe, damaging and making the victim shaky which reduces it's attack and movement speed by 25% for 10 seconds.[...]

INVISIBLE STRIKE -  first one is technically not a real sentence (English teacher would say What makes Fradz invisible? has to do with subject and verb matching...)
[current] Makes Fradz invisible for 20 seconds boosting his movement speed by 50%. [...]
[suggested correction] Fradz becomes invisible for 20 seconds, boosting his movement speed by 50%. [...]

LIGHTNING MASTERY - second sentence is really super duper long. Its so long I'm not even sure if it needs it (matching subjects and verbs and pulling out parenthetical phrases and such got too much for me!) but suggesting:
[current]  [...] pure energy upon targets with such force[...]
[suggested correction] [...] pure energy.  This energy has enough force [...]
and sorry, no I am not typing out that whole sentence, its like a paragraph long!!!

ENERGY BALL -
[current] Fradz transform [...]
[suggested correction] Fradz transforms [...]

FLASH STRIKE - not sure if its a suggestion or a regular grammar correct, but...
[current] Fradz runs on a lighting hitting 5 enemies [...]
[suggested correction] Fradz runs on a lightning bolt, hitting 5 enemies [...]

ELECTRO SHELL -
[current] [...] This shield increases their armor by 5 and deals damage to enemies that attacks them.
[suggested correction] [...] This shield increases their armor by 5 and deals damage to enemies that attack them.

TELEPORT STRIKE - first 'sentence' not really a sentence.  You could add 'This ability is' to the beginning, but that seems elementary compared to the rest of the text in this campaign. My suggestion:
[current] An upgraded version of Flash Strike ability. This time Fradz uses everything he can offer to become as fast as lightning itself, [...]
[suggested correction] Being an upgraded version of the Flash Strike ability, this time Fradz uses everything he can offer.  He becomes as fast as lightning itself, [...]

LIGHTNING ORB -
[current] Creates a Lightning Orb to a selected place [...]
[suggested correction] Creates a Lightning Orb at a selected place [...]
SUGGESTION Change 'a selected place' to 'the specified location' which is closer to what warcraft 3 normally uses.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2012, 01:56:13 pm by Jynnx »
Time is the greatest teacher, but it kills all of it's students.