Author Topic: Grammar Corrections  (Read 1469 times)

Jynnx

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Grammar Corrections
« on: March 18, 2012, 10:07:11 am »
>>> Continued from here. <<<

BIG NOTE ON SUGGESTIONS
You may note how much I say 'suggestion' because I know they are suggestions.  If you don't take the suggestion and correct the error another way, thats fine with me.  As long as it gets corrected =D Any non-error fixing suggestions are also JUST suggestions.  If you consider it, thats more than good enough for me.

BIG NOTE ON COMMAS: I highlight the word before a new comma green so that it is more easily noticed. The green word itself is not changed, just a new comma is after it.



MISC CORRECTIONS/SUGGESTIONS

New game - when the yellow text about selecting abilities comes up, you have (down-right) to describe where to mouse over the abilities - we typically use (bottom-right) instead.  But people will get it either way!

« Last Edit: March 18, 2012, 07:30:07 pm by Jynnx »
Time is the greatest teacher, but it kills all of it's students.

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Jynnx

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SUGGESTED FIX #1 - PHODOM SKILLS
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2012, 11:07:33 am »
AVATAR -
[current] Phodom strenghtens his body and increases his blood flow giving him extra strength attributes for 10 seconds.
[suggested correction] Phodom strengthens his blood flow giving him extra strength for 10 seconds.
[?????] is strength supposed to be Strength?

OFFENSIVE ROAR -
[current] A powerful roar that increases Phodom and his allies' morale and attack damages by 33% for 10 seconds.
[suggested correction] A powerful roar that increases Phodom's and his allies' morale and attack damage by 33% for 10 seconds.

SOUL BURN - not a big one, so you can get away without fixing it, but the sentence that starts with Fire Demon should start with The Fire Demon instead.

IMPACT FLARE -
[current] Phodom charges his weapon with the element of fire an opponent damaging and stunning for 3 seconds and giving it Stagger for 6 seconds.
[suggested correction] Phodom charges his weapon with the element of fire, damaging and stunning an enemy for 3 seconds and giving it Stagger for 6 seconds.

AURA OF FIRE - the first 'sentence' of the current version is not technically a sentence... you don't have to use 'emanates' but you need a verb right there to make it a real sentence.
[current] A permanent aura of extreme heat around Phodom that deals damage to enemies around. [...]
[suggested correction] A permanent aura of extreme heat emanates from Phodom, dealing damage to nearby enemies.

FIRE ELEMENT - SUGGESTION Fire Elemental

FLAME EXPLOSION -
[current]  [...] damaging and stunning enemies around for 10 seconds. [...]
[suggested correction] [...] damaging and stunning nearby enemies for 10 seconds. [...]

COLOSSAL SLAM - (its the ground that is trembling- blame us insane English people with our bass ackwords language)
[current] With power and magic, Phodom slams the floor trembling the ground in a wide area.
[suggested correction] With power and magic, Phodom slams the ground, making it tremble in a wide area.

GROUND ZERO - technically there should be a , after decimation but I doubt anyone will notice other than me.

HEAVEN'S BLESS - SUGGESTION Heaven's Blessing     (this one really threw me off lol)

PHOENIX COMBO - Again I have a suggestion, but if you don't want to use it, here is regular correction:
[current] With great force and bombardment from his hammer sends Phodom and his target slowly to the sky while hitting the foe rapidly, dealing damage to it 12 times. Then slams the enemy [...]
[suggested correction] The great force and bombardment from his hammer sends Phodom and his target slowly to the sky while hitting the foe rapidly, dealing damage to it 12 times. Then Phodom slams the enemy [...]
SUGGESTION Phodom hits the enemy 12 times with such force from his hammer that it raises both Phodom and the target slowly to the sky. Then Phodom slams the enemy [...]

CHAOTIC RIFT -   SUGGESTION change 'the unfortunate creatures' to 'any unfortunate creatures'
[current] Opens a Chaotic Rift causing gigantic damage around Phodom burning his foes alive. If the unfortunate creatures survive this devastating explosion their attack damages are minimized to nearly zero for 10 seconds.
[suggested correction] Opens a Chaotic Rift causing gigantic damage around Phodom, burning his foes alive. If the unfortunate creatures survive this devastating explosion, their attack damage is minimized to nearly zero for 10 seconds.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2012, 06:38:28 pm by Jynnx »
Time is the greatest teacher, but it kills all of it's students.

Jynnx

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SUGGESTED FIX #2 - FRADZ SKILLS
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2012, 12:03:59 pm »
Note: I am note sure, but Fradz's might be Fradz' instead, since the Z sounds like S it may have same apostrophe rules, but I am really not sure, so I'm using Fradz's.

SWORD DANCE - note: nice word choice with neurotransmitters =D note 2: how much attack speed bonus does he get anyway? This could be uber, or could be trash, depending on how big the bonus is!!! note 3: verb tenses need to match - yes English sucks.
[current] Speeds up Fradz's neurotransmitters, increasing his attack speed and making his blades flashes of metal for 5 seconds. As a side effect, his muscles get tired and decreases his movement speed by 50% and increasing damage received by 33%.
[suggested correction]Speeds up Fradz's neurotransmitters, increasing his attack speed and making his blades flashes of metal for 5 seconds. As a side effect, his muscles get tired, decreasing his movement speed by 50%, and increasing damage received by 33%.
SUGGESTION: Speeds up Fradz's neurotransmitters, increasing his attack speed and turning his blades into flashes of metal for 5 seconds. [...]

THUNDER - (if you change verb tense so there is no -ing in the first half of sentence (before the ,) the rest of the long sentence can still fit into one sentence - hard to describe why...)
[current] Summons a thunderbolt electrifying his foe, damaging and making the victim shaky which reduces it's attack and movement speed by 25% for 10 seconds. [...]
[suggested correction] Summons a thunderbolt to electrify his foe, damaging and making the victim shaky which reduces it's attack and movement speed by 25% for 10 seconds.[...]

INVISIBLE STRIKE -  first one is technically not a real sentence (English teacher would say What makes Fradz invisible? has to do with subject and verb matching...)
[current] Makes Fradz invisible for 20 seconds boosting his movement speed by 50%. [...]
[suggested correction] Fradz becomes invisible for 20 seconds, boosting his movement speed by 50%. [...]

LIGHTNING MASTERY - second sentence is really super duper long. Its so long I'm not even sure if it needs it (matching subjects and verbs and pulling out parenthetical phrases and such got too much for me!) but suggesting:
[current]  [...] pure energy upon targets with such force[...]
[suggested correction] [...] pure energy.  This energy has enough force [...]
and sorry, no I am not typing out that whole sentence, its like a paragraph long!!!

ENERGY BALL -
[current] Fradz transform [...]
[suggested correction] Fradz transforms [...]

FLASH STRIKE - not sure if its a suggestion or a regular grammar correct, but...
[current] Fradz runs on a lighting hitting 5 enemies [...]
[suggested correction] Fradz runs on a lightning bolt, hitting 5 enemies [...]

ELECTRO SHELL -
[current] [...] This shield increases their armor by 5 and deals damage to enemies that attacks them.
[suggested correction] [...] This shield increases their armor by 5 and deals damage to enemies that attack them.

TELEPORT STRIKE - first 'sentence' not really a sentence.  You could add 'This ability is' to the beginning, but that seems elementary compared to the rest of the text in this campaign. My suggestion:
[current] An upgraded version of Flash Strike ability. This time Fradz uses everything he can offer to become as fast as lightning itself, [...]
[suggested correction] Being an upgraded version of the Flash Strike ability, this time Fradz uses everything he can offer.  He becomes as fast as lightning itself, [...]

LIGHTNING ORB -
[current] Creates a Lightning Orb to a selected place [...]
[suggested correction] Creates a Lightning Orb at a selected place [...]
SUGGESTION Change 'a selected place' to 'the specified location' which is closer to what warcraft 3 normally uses.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2012, 01:56:13 pm by Jynnx »
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Jynnx

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SUGGESTED FIX #3 - GALEOTH SKILLS
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2012, 01:51:51 pm »
FREEZE -
[current] Targeted enemy is freezed for the following 5 seconds [...]
[suggested correction] Targeted enemy is frozen for the following 5 seconds [...]
SUGGESTION Target enemy is frozen for 5 seconds [...]

BONE CHILLER - suggested way to fit it into warcraft 3 style writing, but made normal correction in case you don't like suggestion
[current] Freezes enemies around Galeoth making damage over time for 3 seconds. Also disables their basic attacks and movement and giving them Brittle for 3 seconds.
[suggested correction] Freezes enemies around Galeoth making them take damage over time for 3 seconds. Also disables their basic attacks and movement and gives them Brittle for 3 seconds.
SUGGESTION Galeoth freezes nearby enemies, damaging them, disabling their basic attacks and movement, and giving them Brittle for 3 seconds.

SEAL OF RESURRECTION - changed quite a bit, doesn't need this exact phrasing, but its all kinds of wrong  ::)
[current] Places a powerful seal to a target character [...] all his health and mana are full plus his cooldowns are reseted.
[suggested correction] Places a powerful seal on a target character [...] his health and mana are completely restored, and all of his cooldowns have been reset.

ICY BARRAGE -
[current] Basic attacks of Galeoth will slow opponents by 25% for 5 seconds and has a 10% chance to stun for 1 second. In addition increases Galeoth's attack range by 25%.
[suggested correction] Basic attacks of Galeoth will slow opponents by 25% for 5 seconds and have a 10% chance to stun for 1 second. Galeoth's attack range is also increased by 25%.

PIERCING SHARD - SUGGESTION
[current] [...] Piercing Shard does extra damage the further its cast away.
[suggested correction] [...] Piercing Shard's damage increases with increased range.

MAGICAL HAMMER -
[current] [...] When hit, deals damage to it [...]
[suggested correction] [...] When it hits, it deals damage to the target [...]

ICE ELEMENT - SUGGESTION Ice Elemental

MESMERIZING ICE CRYSTAL -
[current] Summons a Mesmerizing Ice Crystal that forces nearby enemies attacking itself. Enemies who attacks the crystal will receive damage back. The crystal also increases characters hit point regenerations.
[suggested correction] Summons a Mesmerizing Ice Crystal that forces nearby enemies to attack themselves. Enemies who attack the crystal will receive damage back. The crystal also increases characters' hit point regeneration.

CHILL OF THE FROST MASTER -
[current] Galeoth creates a powerful icy nova around him, [...]
[suggested correction] Galeoth creates a powerful icy nova around himself, [...]

FROZEN FANG - ? ? ? says 'stuns them for 3 seconds and gives them Bleed both for 6 seconds' should 'both' be taken out? it makes it sound like both bleed and stun for 6 seconds but it says stun for 3 - or am I missing what it is there for?
SUGGESTION change 'to a selected area' to 'to the selected location' to match my other suggestion(s).

GLACIAL ARMOR -
[current] Creates a Glacial Armor to a friendly unit [...] Melee attacks to a unit [...] and slows attackers.
[suggested correction] Creates a Glacial Armor on a friendly unit [...] A unit [...] and slows melee attackers.

FROZEN PARADISE - SUGGESTION a little thing, but I think 'duration' works better than 'time' for both times 'time' is used.

FROZEN STORM -
[current] [...] After 10 seconds has passed [...]
[suggested correction] [...] After 10 seconds have passed [...]

NORTHREND WINDS - the details of this ability are in white, not yellow
Time is the greatest teacher, but it kills all of it's students.

Jynnx

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SUGGESTED FIX #4 - PACKS, STARTING ITEMS & DIFFICULTY
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2012, 02:34:37 pm »
PHODOM PACKS / ITEMS

AVENGER -
[current] This pack is great for anyone who like to fight [...]
[suggested correction] This pack is great for anyone who likes to fight [...]
POWER HAMMER - (note the space before the parenthesis)
[current] Gives +1 Atk Damage per 2 charge(up to [...]
[suggested correction] Gives +1 Atk Damage per 2 charges (up to [...]

AEGIS SHIELD - (note the space before the parenthesis)
[current] [...] 10 charges(up to a maximum of 600 magic damage. [...] Also gives permanently 10 armor.
[suggested correction] [...] 10 charges (up to a maximum of 600 magic damage). [...] Also gives 10 armor permanently.

AMILY PICTURE - change to Family Picture  :P



FRADZ PACKS / ITEMS

SWORD OF HASTE - add space before parenthesis.

ADVENTURER - think there are 2 spaces between pack and who
[current] This is a good pack  who like [...]
[suggested correction]  This is a good pack for those who like [...]




GALEOTH PACKS / ITEMS

ICE CRYSTAL - (note the space before the parenthesis)
[current] Gives +5 magic damage per 1 charges(up to [...]
[suggested correction] Gives +5 magic damage per 1 charge (up to [...]




DIFFICULTY LEVELS

CHILD'S PLAY -
[current] This difficulty is for the ones that want to see how the story goes and doesn't have the patience to play the game itself. [...]
[suggested correction] This difficulty is for those who want to see how the story goes and don't have the patience to play the game itself. [...]

NORMAL -
[current] Normal difficulty is good if you have already knowledge [...]
[suggested correction]  Normal difficulty is good if you already have knowledge [...]

HARD -
[current] Hard difficulty are for those [...]
[suggested correction] Hard difficulty is for those [...]

**** - (in the yellow section on the bottom)
[current] Lives are disabled from the game, but some abilities, items and similar can resurrect.
[suggested correction]  Lives are disabled from the game, but some abilities, items and similar effects can resurrect.
Time is the greatest teacher, but it kills all of it's students.

Jynnx

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Re: Grammar Corrections
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2012, 02:36:41 pm »
Ok, thats all I saw from the start up portion of the game.  And by the way, I did not notice any errors in the first cinematic, or the starting yellow text for the first quest.  And if someone can point me to this 'book' for the background or whatever it was, I'll be happy to check that out.
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Re: Grammar Corrections
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2012, 04:17:42 pm »
Man, you're awesome, i think restarting the game that much times help a lot too  ;D.

Question: why is "the ones that..." wrong? "those who" IS a lot better, but just wanting to know.
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Killa

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Re: Grammar Corrections
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2012, 05:41:01 pm »
Thanks for correcting these, I'm sure it drove some people insane when reading it. I never got a chance to correct any of these because the descriptions was always changing.
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Jynnx

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Re: Grammar Corrections
« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2012, 06:23:02 pm »
Killa - always changing descriptions? well that sounds like an editor's nightmare!  And I must thank you also, its the first cinematic that got my interest enough to get into The Chosen Ones. I figured if he put that much work into just the first one, and theres seeeeecret ones too?!?! That got my interest! And that first cinematic had no errors that I saw (even payed close attention for errors on my second time watching!).  And with no errors my mind concentrates on the plot! (Otherwise all I think is 'well that wasn't right' and I stop paying attention to the rest lmao!)

Shinokyofu - And 'the ones that' vs. 'those who' ('that' should be changed to 'who' either way)- Its hard to describe, but if you write a paper, you must use 'one' instead of he/she them/they etc.   If you have been using he/she them/they then you should stay away from 'one' to keep the same format type.  Unless you are talking about people who aren't there... For example, both George and Sally dispose of trash properly. George might say to Sally, "The ones who throw trash on the street should be put in jail!"  But he would also say "Those who throw trash where it belongs should be commended!" because it is something they both do.  Or if you're talking about a soldier when there are no soldiers present 'Its the ones who sacrificed their lives that should be praised'.  I'm not sure if this is a rule or just standard practice to be honest. 

P.S.  I stink at knowing when to use 'who' or 'whom', but 'whom' seems to be used less and less often, and I would not be surprised to find that we no longer use it at all in a few more years.  If anyone knows the proper usage for 'whom' please jump in!!
« Last Edit: March 18, 2012, 06:35:15 pm by Jynnx »
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Doomlord

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Re: Grammar Corrections
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2012, 06:37:39 pm »
'Whom' is used as a replacement for 'who' in formal English, especially as an object of a verb or prep. For example: The fugitive shot the policeman. He survived the wound -> The fugitive shot the policeman whom survived the wound.

I remember learning so. If I'm wrong then correct me.

Jynnx

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Re: Grammar Corrections
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2012, 06:43:38 pm »
Doomlord - ok so for the sentence:

This difficulty is for those who want to see how the story goes and don't have the patience to play the game itself.

It would be 'those who' not 'those whom' because it is the subject (not an object) of the sentence?
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Doomlord

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Re: Grammar Corrections
« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2012, 06:48:46 pm »
Actually 'who' and 'whom' are only different if you are using English formally. Other than that, just use 'who' even if it is replacing an object.

Jynnx

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Re: Grammar Corrections
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2012, 06:57:46 pm »
Sweet, thats what I thought but wasn't sure. When I was in high school 'whom' was still something you were supposed to learn, but I thought whom was a useless word and I refused to learn when to use it lol. Ahhh highschool  :o
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Jynnx

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SUGGESTED FIX #5 - GAME MENUS / CONTROL PANEL STUFFS
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2012, 08:01:06 pm »
COMMAND PANEL

STEAL -
[current] [...] Click the enemy unit to see if he has any items to be stolen. You can view your stealing chance of each character from the multiboard, but remember that some enemies has higher defense against stealing lowering the chance you see in the multiboard.
[suggested correction] [...] Click the enemy unit to see if he has any items to be stolen. You can view your stealing chance for each character on the multiboard, but remember that some enemies have higher defense against stealing, lowering the chance you see on the multiboard.
SUGGESTION [...] Click the enemy unit to see if he has any items that can be stolen. [...]


GAME PANEL

EAT FOOD - not sure if this is an error correct or a suggestion...
[current] Use a food from any box you currently have. [...]
[suggested correction] Use food from any box you currently have. [...]



PROFESSIONS

TREASURE HUNTER INFORMATION -
[current] [...] Some items are however harder and need Dig Power in order to get digged out successfully. [...]
[suggested correction] [...] Some items are harder to get and need Dig Power in order to get dug out successfully. [...]

BATTLE THIEF INFORMATION -
[current] [last sentence of first paragraph] [...] Look in the bosses inventories to check if they got items to steal.
Stealing succeeded means that you have successfully stealed an item and it is given to your inventory if there's space. [...]
[suggested correction]  [...] Look in the bosses' inventories to check if they have items to steal.
Stealing succeeded means that you have successfully stolen an item and it is added to your inventory if there's space. [...]

ALCHEMIST INFORMATION -
[current] Alchemists create powerful potions that increases the drinker's stats permanently.
[suggested correction] Alchemists create powerful potions that increase the drinker's stats permanently.

ALCHEMIST STORY - note - GREAT use of the word 'quaffer' !!!

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Aeroblyctos

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Re: Grammar Corrections
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2012, 02:28:39 am »
To make this more effective, I think you should just put here corrected descriptions so that I can simply copy the corrected versions to the campaign. That saves a lot of time for me.

You can just open the campaign from world editor, copy a description, change it and post here a correction or just write them down by all yourself. It's up to you.
« Last Edit: March 19, 2012, 05:23:27 am by Aeroblyctos »